SEEK TO UNDERSTAND YOUR SPOUSE
A young husband shared with me about how displeased he was with his wife, but he did not want to get offended. One evening, his wife was commenting about how relieved she had been, and he responded that, “It is because you have been receiving help”. The wife agreed and mentioned the young lady who had been working with her.
The husband said, “I have been deliberate with helping her, but she did not even see it. She did not acknowledge it. She sees the help of a third party but not mine”. It was obvious he was annoyed.
Then I asked him, “What if your definition of help is not the same?” He was shocked. I asked again, “Did she grow up in a home with house help or keepers?” He answered positively. Then I asked, “What if that was her own definition of help and she would not categorize you in such a class?”. His eyes popped open.
This kind of scenario occurs a lot in marriages and other relationships. We are quick to run into a conclusion without being deliberate enough to understand what the other person is trying to communicate.
When it comes to communicating with your spouse, seek first to understand them and not to be understood. If you keep saying, “You do not get what I am saying” or “You are not listening to me”, then you both may need to be patient and listen to each other.
People communicate from their background. When you understand their background, you will get the perspective from which they are speaking.
People communicate from their biases. When you know what they like or dislike, you may be able to pick what they are saying.
It took some years before I could calm down and listen. Many times, Irewamiri would have said, “That is not what I am trying to say” after I had jumped to conclusions and made unnecessary assumptions.
These days, I do not listen while preparing my response or listen without paying attention. I listen deliberately. Whatever I do not understand, I gently seek clarity. It has helped us a lot.
The one who leads in a home must master the art of listening.
James 1:19MSG
Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.
Lead with your ears, not with your tongue. Seek to understand first and not to be understood.
© temilOluwa Ola, Eruwa
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