DISAGREEMENTS DO NOT HAVE TO BE THAT HARD

It was a beautiful morning but the atmosphere at home was not that beautiful. An issue was taking some emotional toll on both of us. What had not happened in years happened- our voices were getting loud as we both tried to communicate our feelings. We were both hurt.

I got ready earlier and decided to leave the car for Irewamiri so she could catch up later. As I walked some metres away from the house, the Holy Spirit said, “Go back. Give her a hug. Tell her you love her”.

My steps were heavy but my love for God and Irewamiri was heavier. I retraced my steps and did as the Lord has instructed. It was tough but it was a must. Matters are never resolved in the same atmosphere that created them. It takes warmth to melt away the icy state created by disagreements.

There is an adage that “Even if we disagree, it is not as bad as killing one another”. The truth is, that is what some people do when they disagree with one another in marriage. Every disagreement is warfare.

Disagreements in marriage can almost be like a civil war- words are spoken that inflict hurt. Hurting words tearing through the soul of the marriage. They are tools that the devil brings back in quiet moments. Thoughts like, “Kola said I am a stupid woman. And I will show him how stupid I can be” or “Bola called me a failure and irresponsible man. She will see what irresponsibility looks like”. At this stage, the devil and his agents are in active construction on the project site of your mind.

But that is not how the Spirit of the Lord and a man (or a woman) who is yielded to the Spirit of God operates. A man (or a woman) who is yielded to God submits his emotions to the leadership of the Word of the Lord and the Spirit of the Lord.

You must know that what you are solving is an issue. You need grace and growth to focus on the issue while you maintain the warmth in your marriage. For instance, when the issue seems to be degenerating into a voice contest or hurting words are about to come out, you should say to your spouse, “Darling (whatever endearment you use), I think we are getting tensed. Can we talk about this matter some other time while we enjoy the love we both share for now?” Be sincere about this. You can hug your partner. Do not use this as an escape strategy. Raise the issue when the warmth is restored. You will resolve the matter faster.

These are the words of King Solomon:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 NIV

When you disagree with your spouse, fight for warmth and not to win. You can win an argument but lose your spouse with words that were never intended to hurt him or her. Be watchful.

temilOluwa Ola, Eruwa