“SAME TO YOU”- COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE
In our early days as a married couple, every time Irewamiri sneezed, I would respond sarcastically with “Same to you”. I had no idea she was not impressed with my games. One day, I still remember vividly where we were. As she sneezed and I said the same thing, she exploded with angry words, “Don’t you know how to say, ‘Bless you’, ‘Sorry dear’ or any other kind words? What is ‘same to you ‘?
I froze and began to explain that I was just joking with her. She asked why I would be joking with such conditions. I responded it was my way of showing care and lighting her up. She told me it does not work for her. I changed my ways from that day.
Communication is one of the major issues in marriage. Both parties are likely communicating from their background. There are times when the backgrounds are opposite. That can lead the marriage to trouble.
Two parties raised from a background where street words are used in communication will both know that the curse words being used are just for fun. They will banter and move on.
How do you handle communication with caution?
First, build the skill of listening. Listening to your spouse is powerful. To listen well, give your spouse full attention. Drop your phone when he or she is speaking with you. Make sure you are not listening passively. Do not listen while preparing your response. Listen to understand and not just to be understood. Make sure you practice listening. Ask questions to clarify so you can understand. Do not assume you know what your partner has said.
Second, judge what they have said by their intent and not just the words. There are times the words will not come out the right way, but you have a solid foundation of trust that their intent was never to hurt you with words spoken. Let their intent of love and care outweigh whatever they have said that seems offensive. You can again ask questions to clarify before you react in anger. Avoid the word “Always” as much as you can. It causes matters to escalate easily. For example, “That is what you always do”. Focus on the issue. Do not attack the person.
Third, you are Christian. Listen to the Holy Spirit. It helps you a big deal. There are pills that He can give you to help your marriage. One of them is the “Chill Pill”. He will tell you to hold your peace when you would have reacted. He can guide you through a disagreement. Another pill is the “Humble Pie Pill”. You must be humble enough to apologise when you are wrong and at times when the Spirit of the Lord instructs you to even when you think you were right.
Finally, let your desire in any issue be oneness and not rightness. Do not communicate with the intent of being right or winning an argument. Communicate with the intent of being one and winning your spouse. Never sacrifice oneness for being right. When issues being discussed are getting heated, call a time-out. Simply say, “Darling, I love you more than this issue. Let’s come back to it at another time. It is getting hot in here. Kindly give me a hug”. It works all the time. Eventually, the matters are resolved lovingly.
Agreement is key in life but much more in marriage.
Can two walk together, except they be agreed?
Amos 3:3 KJV
When your marriage is getting cold, the code to winning is drawing close. Never leave your partner. Fight for the warmth of your home.
© temilOluwa Ola, Eruwa