HANDLING HURTS (8): BREAK THE CYCLE OF OFFENCE

It was an interesting season in our lives. Challenges with those we loved began to mount pressure on our marriage. We both had the best interest at heart but it just seems not to come out the right way. In the middle of it, we spoke unintended but hurting words to one another. I remember leaving home that day and saying to Irewamiri, “I am getting afraid of you.” She also sent me a voice note later stating how choked she was with me. It was not a sweet episode. 

Thank God for the voice of counsel. Later that week, my dear mother-in-the-faith scolded and corrected me. She said, “You are a child of God. Some things must never come out of your mouth. Never say you are afraid of your wife again. Where is fear coming from? Is that fear from the Lord?”

As I soaked it in, I ranted a bit about how it was all happening at a season I decided to seek the Lord in prayer and fasting. My mother-in-the-faith smiled and said, “Let me tell you how the cycle of offence works.” She hit my attention immediately.

Beloved, there is such a thing as the cycle of offence. This is how it works: 

When a matter hurts the wife, the husband comes to apologize, but she is still reluctant and angry about the situation. After the husband has pressed for a while and she is not responding properly, he decides to let her be. By the time she comes around for a resolution, the husband is already offended about how he apologized, and she treated him coldly. He then begins to respond coldly to his wife. The devil has succeeded in weaponizing your emotions to pull down your marriage. 

If you ever have the chance to ask your spouse what goes on in their mind whenever they get a cold treatment, you will agree with the prophet who said that the heart of man is desperately wicked, and who can know it? 

The only way to break this cycle is to fight for the warmth of your home. Why are you still cold when you know that it is the resolution of the issue that you desire? Why do you still want him or her to feel a bit of how bad you felt when they treated you that way? Whenever any of you show signs of reconciliation, the other party should take hold of it as fast as possible. Do not let it linger. If it stays too long, the devil will take his role as the director of that movie. You will not like the end of it. 

For instance, when you are cold, you look for things to keep you warm. In the same vein, when you are cold towards your spouse, it is not the time to withdraw from them. If you do, the cold will get colder, killing and freezing your union. You do not want that. When the atmosphere is cold, it is the proper time to draw close and get some warmth. “Cold atmospheres” is a “weather for two.” That is the way to survive it. You can never be warm alone.

“Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone?”

Ecclesiastes 4:11 NKJV

Stop taking your time. Time will not heal you. Obedience does. Time can make the wounds fester. Obedience submits the wound to the one who can heal and make you whole. If it is peace and resolution you want, what are you doing riding the bicycle of offence? Get down from your high horse. Close the gap. Do not let the cold kill your union. 

temilOluwa Ola, Eruwa